Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
