Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
