o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
