grandma shit on top of the toilet
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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