i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
