I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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