If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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