I wish my penis had an off switch
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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