You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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