Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
