There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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