Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
