I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like a drive thru vagina
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
There are leaves in my underwear?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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