I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
