Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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