I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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