if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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