OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
