ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Send help, water and tortillas.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
