I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
