i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
