I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
