Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
