how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
