It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
