my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
