i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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