This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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