Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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