i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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