So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
