She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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