Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
