Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
