You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
