When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
