Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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