btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
