I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize