"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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