my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sorry about my life...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
