I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize