Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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