One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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