wrigley field is MILF paradise
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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