Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize