Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
