I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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