my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
