I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
