Someone shit on the floor
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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