In the future we'll all be gay
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
