I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
