my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
