The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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