I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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