Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize